One evening after a long day at work, I had to help my oldest son with his pre-algebra homework. He kept making errors working with fractions, a concept I expected him to grasp several years ago. After about an hour of unfruitful instruction and already exhausted from a hard day at the office, I began to lose my patience.
“Dillon, I don’t understand why you aren’t getting this. You should understand this. Your brother is two grades below you and he understands fractions. Why aren’t you getting this! Go to your room and review fractions and come back when you understand,” I exclaimed. Dillon was frustrated and looked defeated as he left the room.
My wife witnessed our interaction and expressed her concern. “Babe. I don’t think you are being patient enough with Dillon.”
“He is a smart kid and should know all this. He is not putting in enough mental effort,” I retorted. This was true to an extent. Dillon was brilliant. However, he would struggle with certain math exercises if he hadn’t covered a particular concept in awhile.
“I hear that and I agree,” she calmly replied. “But I feel your irritation is making him nervous. It is your tone. It is too negative.”
I thought about her advice and decided to tweak my engagement with my son. When he finally returned, I had him walk me through his thought process on fractions and we did a couple of practice problems. I focused on having a positive and encouraging tone. He still made a few more mistakes but his confidence grew with each problem. When he returned to the algebra problem, he breezed through it and the following problems too.
“I got it Daddy! I understand now,” Dillon beamed. My wife knowingly smiled at me. She was right.
I wonder how often have I, along with other parents and teachers, have put undo pressure and negativity on our children when they don’t meet our expectations at school. The theologian Saint Augustine in the 4th century AD shared that he was resistant to education and endured “beatings,” “punishments,” and “violent threats” from his teachers to make him more pliable to learn. While he gives credit to God for using the experience for his good, he despised his teachers and didn’t give them any credit. He hated his educational experience. Unfortunately, harsh physical discipline in schooling was typical of Roman life (and Greek life).
Western culture has moved on from physical punishment in the school system and mostly from the home. But that doesn’t mean verbal and emotional punishment over school work isn’t any less harmful, like in my interaction with my son. Here some examples of hurtful language and actions:
- Making a child feel shameful for making an honest mistake: “You got that wrong? I thought you were smart?”
- Threatening words: “Keep it up and you will never amount to anything.”
- Unconstructive criticism: “You are lazy and no good.”
- Ignoring them as a form of punishment.
- Comparing them to a sibling.
The Bible is clear that parents should avoid these type of actions. Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” The word provoke in Greek means to irritate or arouse feelings such as anger, hurt, shame, and fear to the point exasperation.” We can destroy our children’s academic future by our verbal jabs. I wonder how much of the hate that students have for school throughout the generations is attributed to negativity they received from parents and teachers?
Of course our children will need discipline from time to time to keep them on course. However, discipline shouldn’t be the dominate form of communication. Our children are emotionally fragile. Let’s not provoke and discourage them. Our words will resonate with them for a lifetime. Let’s use words that value their unique mental abilities and celebrate their academic accomplishments, no matter how great or small.
Our children’s academic success starts with us. It starts at home.
